Michelle Garcia Winner, MA, CCC-SLP and Pamela Crooke, PhD, CCC-SLP
Making friends is a desired but complex social emotional learning journey. The ability to forge new friendships and maintain older friendships provides us with an understanding of relationships and practice needed to be part of a class, work effectively as a collaborative member of a team or group, and simply feel included wherever we may be. In adulthood, this same set of concepts and skills will help us become part of a community, hold a job, and possibly nurture families of our own. The authors identify 10 factors for making and keeping friends and provide a list of practical resources.
Making and keeping friends is something that most of us take for granted, in much the same way we take for granted our ability to learn to skip and run, be part of a classroom discussion, learn to write, stand in line, and do arithmetic. Furthermore, the nature and quality of friendships evolve as we mature. What makes for a good friend in elementary school is different from what makes a good friend in high school, and these shifts continue in our 20s, 30s, and across our lifetimes.
For young children, friendships can feel magical. To four-year-olds, friends may be kids they imagine traveling with to the moon or embarking on fantastic adventures together. As a ten-year-old, a good friend is someone you spend time with doing a variety of activities and talk to about different aspects of each other’s life. As a 16-year-old, a good friend is someone who clearly shows they care about you, even if the way they do this at times may not look friendly to those who are not their friend. By 26, armed with a strong developing sense of self, a good friend is someone to support you through the ups and downs of living a more independent life.
Ultimately, the ability to forge new friendships while maintaining older friendships provides us with the skills and practice needed to work in groups, work effectively as a collaborative member of a team, and simply feel included wherever we may be. In adulthood, this same set of concepts and skills will help us become part of a community, hold a job, and possibly nurture families of our own.
All parents share the common desire for their child to make and keep friends. When a child is struggling to do this, a parent asks, “Is it too much to ask that my child make a friend?” While all adults know the intrinsic value of friendship, those of us who specialize in social emotional learning can’t rightly answer this question by saying, “No! It’s not too much to ask,” as much as we wish we could. This is because friendships evolve from a developmental social emotional learning journey. Unfortunately, friendships are not pre-ordained.
Where does the journey begin when helping people learn to make friends?
When children don’t intuitively learn to develop friendships on their own, the process of learning to be a friend is a journey, not a sprint. While neurotypically developing kids take for granted that making and keeping a friend is more complicated than it appears on the surface, those with social learning differences and/or challenges need an interventionist (parent, caregiver, professional) to help them learn about all aspects of friendships, including the fact that friendships must be mutual, they change over time, and even when nurtured, friendships may not be stable and long-lasting. Here are ten truths about the friendship journey, some helpful guidance, and references to resources within the Social Thinking® Methodology (see below) that teach related social emotional learning frameworks and concepts to foster the development of friendships.
SOURCE : https://www.socialthinking.com/articles/10-tips-for-making-and-keeping-friends